Bishop Goldentongue's Masterclass in Church Administration

A Comprehensive Guide for Aspiring Hierarchs

Disclaimer: The following educational content is based on real-world case studies from the Eastern American Diocese. Results may vary. Side effects may include foreclosure, federal investigations, and awkward questions from the Holy Synod.

Lesson 1: Creative Tax Law Interpretation

Traditional Approach (BORING):

• File DTE Form 23 with county auditor

• Demonstrate religious use of property

• Pay taxes, then request reimbursement

• Keep your monastery and cemetery

Bishop Irinej's Innovation:

• Confidently declare that "Columbus and Government" granted you an 8-year tax deferral

• When parishioners ask which law allows this, look mysterious and change the subject

• Ignore tax bills until they reach $235,000

• Add dramatic flair by waiting until foreclosure is imminent

• Pro tip: Ancestral graves at risk create excellent tension!

Key Takeaway: Why consult actual Ohio Revised Code §5709.07 when you can just make up your own laws? Creativity is next to godliness!

Lesson 2: The Art of the 48-Hour Notice

Traditional Approach (PEDESTRIAN):

• Serbian Orthodox Church Canon Law requires 30 days' notice for clergy reassignment

• Give priest and parish time to prepare

• Allow for pastoral transition

• Respect priest's family (housing, children's school, basic human dignity)

Bishop Goldentongue's Innovation:

• Ignore three vacation requests to establish dominance

• Wait until October 29th

• Issue removal effective October 31st (that's 48 hours, but who's counting?)

• Advanced technique: Make it even shorter by issuing the order late in the day!

Key Takeaway: Canons are really more like "suggestions." The number 30 was probably a typo anyway. They probably meant 30 hours.

Lesson 3: Donor Relations in the Modern Age

Traditional Approach (UNIMAGINATIVE):

• Hold a fundraising dinner for a specific purpose

• Actually build the thing you promised

• Provide donors with updates and transparency

• Say "thank you"

Bishop Goldentongue's Innovation:

• Host a glamorous donor dinner for the monastery house construction

• Collect $25,000+ from generous faithful

• Don't build anything

• When an honorary consul (and Order of St. Sava recipient) asks for accountability: crickets

• Let donations vanish into the administrative ether

• Advanced move: Look confused if anyone asks where the money went

Key Takeaway: "Donor intent" is just a fancy accounting term. The real intent was clearly for you to do... something... with that money. Probably.

Lesson 4: Financial Record-Keeping for Busy Bishops

Traditional Approach (TEDIOUS):

• Ohio Revised Code §1702.15 requires accurate financial records

• Document all transactions

• Allow members to inspect records per ORC §1702.13

• Boring stuff like "accountability" and "transparency"

Bishop Goldentongue's Innovation:

• Harvest $200,000 in timber from church land

• Document nothing

• When parishioners ask about the money: "What timber?"

• Pro tip: If records don't exist, they can't contradict you!

Key Takeaway: Filing is for amateurs. Real hierarchs keep everything in their heads. Or possibly in undisclosed bank accounts. The faithful don't need to know!

Lesson 5: Handling Member Correspondence

Traditional Approach (EXHAUSTING):

• Read letters from parishioners

• Respond to concerns

• Forward serious matters to the appropriate authorities

• Demonstrate that you care about the flock

Bishop Goldentongue's Innovation:

• Receive a certified letter on August 19th requesting you forward parishioner concerns to the Holy Synod

• Ignore it completely

• Receive a second certified letter on September 19th with an explicit 10-day deadline

• Ignore it harder

• Receive third certified letter on October 5th

• Achieve total silence - this is the pinnacle of the technique!

• Master class: Remove the priest shortly after the third letter to show who's boss!

Key Takeaway: Certified mail with a return receipt just means they're trying too hard. True spiritual authority means never having to say, "I received your letter."

Lesson 6: The "Shadeland Deficit Strategy"

Traditional Approach (UNINSPIRED):

• Monitor income and expenses

• Balance the budget

• Keep beloved summer camp financially viable

• Maintain facilities where Serbian children learn their faith and culture

Bishop Goldentongue's Innovation:

• Generate $155,018.26 operating deficit in a single year

• When questioned: "It's in God's hands"

• Advanced technique: Combine with the tax crisis at Marcha and missing donor funds for maximum chaos!

Key Takeaway: One crisis is manageable. Multiple simultaneous financial disasters? That's administrative artistry!

Lesson 7: Communication with Higher Church Authority

Traditional Approach (COWARDLY):

• Report honestly to Holy Synod

• Seek guidance on difficult situations

• Allow parishioners to appeal decisions

• Maintain canonical order

Bishop Goldentongue's Innovation:

• Create an information firewall between your diocese and Belgrade

• Block all certified letters requesting Synod oversight

• Operate with complete autonomy

• Brilliant strategy: If the Synod doesn't know about problems, do the problems even exist?

Key Takeaway: You're not being autocratic - you're being protective! The Holy Synod is very busy and shouldn't be bothered with trivial matters like quarter-million-dollar tax liabilities and missing donor funds.

FINAL EXAM: Putting It All Together

Real-World Scenario: You are a diocesan bishop facing:

• $235,000 tax liability with foreclosure imminent

• $25,000+ in unaccounted donor funds

• $200,000 in undocumented timber revenue

• $155,000 operating deficit at beloved children's camp

• Three ignored certified letters from parishioners

• Priest you just removed with 48 hours' notice

Question: What do you do?

A) Take immediate corrective action, apologize, and work with the Holy Synod

B) Provide full financial transparency and accountability

C) Reinstate the priest and address parishioner concerns

D) Continue as if nothing is wrong and hope everyone forgets

Bishop Irinej's Answer: Obviously!

And if that doesn't work, there's always option

E: Pretend certified mail doesn't exist and that $235,000 is just a number.

GRADUATION REQUIREMENTS

To receive your Certificate in Advanced Diocesan Mismanagement, you must demonstrate mastery of:

✓ Creative reinterpretation of property tax law

✓ Innovative approaches to canonical requirements

✓ Donor fund opacity techniques

✓ Financial record elimination strategies

✓ Correspondence evasion mastery

✓ Multi-crisis juggling

BONUS CREDIT: If you can do all of the above while maintaining that you're the victim, you qualify for the Distinguished Administrator Award!

Student Testimonials

"I used to waste time filing proper tax forms. Now I just declare exemptions that don't exist! My monastery is in foreclosure, but at least I didn't have to do paperwork!" - Anonymous Hierarch

"The 48-hour clergy removal technique changed my life! Why give 30 days' notice when you can create maximum chaos?" - Definitely Not Bishop Goldentongue

"Before this course, I foolishly responded to certified mail. Now I understand that certified letters are just suggestions!" - A Very Satisfied Student

Disclaimer

The techniques described above are for satirical purposes only. Actual church administration requires adherence to civil law, canonical law, financial transparency, and basic human decency. Any resemblance to real hierarchs living or dead is purely... well, actually, it's not coincidental at all. We're talking about you, Vladika.

Students attempting these techniques in real life may face: civil litigation, regulatory investigations, removal from office, public embarrassment, and very awkward conversations with the Holy Synod.

The Management of the Eastern American Diocese accepts no responsibility for consequences resulting from the implementation of these "innovative" administrative approaches.

Coming Tomorrow: "Bishop Goldentongue's Guide to Creative Mathematics: How 48 Hours = 30 Days and $235,000 = $0"